Also Sprach ZooTLA-stra

This is an actual email sent to a UTLA member by her UTLA "Representative" quite recently on the eve of being dismissed by LAUSD. I have translated the letter from the original "UTLAspeak" to (English).


Dear $$$$$$$, (Dear Mr./Ms. Lifetime Dues-Paying Member of UTLA,)
 
I am very, very sorry to report that your name is on the dismissal list for the upcoming board vote. (I am also sorry I couldn't even be bothered to let you know about this until after you asked me first and I had no choice but to answer you. In fact I am so very, very sorry that I have slipped into a catatonic state of depression. That is why I will do nothing meaningful to help you. I'd really, really like to help you, but I am just too depressed. Can you help me? This is just so difficult for me to deal with. Please get back to me regarding anything you can do for me on my behalf. I really feel bad. Really. Really, really bad.)

Please let your lawyer know immediately. (Because unlike the commitments we made to you both in the UTLA Constitution and all our UTLA "Membership Benefits" brochures we've been handing out for decades, brochures we recently changed thank God (using your dues money), we will be doing absolutely nothing to help you when it comes to lawyers. As soon as LAUSD puts you on unpaid status, though, you should have no problem spending your own money, the money you don't have, to defend yourself and cover all your legal fees, health insurance, food, rent, morgage, child care, etc. Good luck with that, by the way.)

I also wanted to let you know that UTLA is here to help work out a settlement offer with the District if you are interested. (In the absence of providing any meaningful help to you since your nightmare began, I will ask the malevolent LAUSD administrators who put you in this miserable situation by using false allegations and/or accusing you of trivial infractions of school policy if they have a breadcrumb or two they'd like to toss in your direction in order to get you to quit as soon as possible as this will make it more convenient for both LAUSD and UTLA.)
  
Please let me know if you would like us to work with the District on your behalf in working out a settlement. (I'm just letting you know this in case it isn't obvious to you yet that all we do now at UTLA is collaborate and collude with LAUSD. We'd like you out of here as much as they do and hope that you don't sue us. If we can do anything to get you out of here quicker, then great! UTLA used to work for and with teachers on their behalf. Now we work strictly on LAUSD's behalf. We'll say we're working on "your behalf," though, if it makes you feel any better now that your life is ruined and we've done nothing meaningful for you. I did enjoy sitting next to you those times. And I'd be more than happy to kiss your ass goodbye if that helps.)

I am so sorry to have to deliver such terrible news. (As I said, I'm catatonic. Seriously. Do you think you can help me? I can't move.)
 
Sincerely, (Kidding!)
 
%%%%%% (We now take 100% of your dues and offer no protection or meaningful help to you, unless you count lip-service, whatsoever. Your dues has paid my salary, though, so all is not lost.) 

Your UTLA Area Representative (Representative: noun 1. Well, you look it up. I don't have a clue what "representative" means. None of us at UTLA do.)